I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
