my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
