I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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