Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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