watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
