It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize