Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
