It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
