he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
