I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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