sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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