i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
