So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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