I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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