My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
