my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
