just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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