im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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