so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
