I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
