god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I died a long time ago.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
