i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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