i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
