pop tarts are not kleenex
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
