True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I am available for nakedness
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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