Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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