so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
