You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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