Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
