so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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