i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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