I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
