It's like a parade of train wrecks.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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