My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
