So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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