you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
