Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
