im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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