I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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