Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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