all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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