I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
