We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
