I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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