I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm just crazy horny about you
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You did what with his pubic hair?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
