whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
