Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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