You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
