My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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