(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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