420 ftw
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Randomize
