Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
