Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
