I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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