FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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