I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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