I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
